I’m sorry to put everyone through this, but it’s the last time I will ever write about this trainwreck of a show. Because, guys, Gossip Girl FINALLY ended last month after six drawn-out seasons of drama and ridiculousness. I ended up just skipping most of the episodes from the last season and watching the finale over the New Year’s weekend. (And then, uh, maybe the special “looking back through the years” episode they also had on CW.com.)
Because I just knew that if I could see the big reveal of who “Gossip Girl” actually is, my obsession would end, and I could move on with my life. So don’t read any more if you, too, want to waste hours of your life wading through nonsensical plot lines to eventually reach the big finale in chronological order. (a.k.a. SPOILER ALERT)
First, I need a new fashion-conscious television show in my life to fill the void. Honestly, GG hadn’t been doing so hot on the fashion front the last couple of seasons, but they won me back over with Blair’s stunning ice blue wedding dress and shimmery tiara. It was just so gorgeous and different and so Blair. (See, you watch six episodes of this show, and you lose your ability to summon proper adjectives. That’s how much it boils down your brain. You’ve been warned.)
As for Gossip Girl, if you watched the last episode, then you know “she” was none other than “Lonely Boy,” a.k.a. Dan Humphrey, a.k.a. The Only Character I Ever Really Liked and Who Now Betrayed My Trust. WHAT THE WHAT.
I guess it does make logical sense by Mean Girls rationale, as Dan’s hair got bigger and bigger each season. You know, as he kept more and more gossip stored up inside of his writerly self. And seriously, what other character would have the intelligence to pull that kind of a thing off? He is the published author, who you could believe would adopt the tongue-in-cheek, saucy voice of a Park Avenue Princess. He is the only one who had a really motive for such shenanigans, as he explains in the final episode:
“The Upper East Side was like something from Fitzgerald or Thackeray. Teenagers acting like adults. Adults acting like teenagers, guarding secrets, writing gossip all with the trappings of truly opulent wealth. And membership in this community was so elite, you couldn’t even buy your way in. It was a birth right. A birth right I didn’t have, and my greatest achievements would never earn me.
All I had to compare to this world was what I read in books, but that gave me the idea. I wasn’t born into this world – maybe I could write myself into it. […] Within weeks, I was getting dozens of emails with stories about Upper East Siders, so I posted them anonymously, and then I got more. Before long, it was a monster — everyone was sending tips. And when Serena came back from boarding school, I wrote my first post about me: Lonely Boy, the outsider, the underdog. I might have been a joke, but at least people were talking about me.”
I like this explanation; it’s neat and simple. Apparently, if you go back to the pilot episode, as the Gossip Girl narration says something along the lines of “Who am I? You’ll never guess,” Dan is seen typing hurriedly on his laptop, closing it and rushing to the bus. When the show creators tested out the pilot on a small audience, they had to edit the timing of this opening sequence because everyone thought the overlapping of the narration and Dan typing meant that he was, obviously, Gossip Girl.
Learning about this makes me feel really, really dumb. Like, was it really that obvious? I, like Mayor Bloomberg in his finale episode cameo, really wanted it to be Dorota, Blair’s childhood nanny/housemaid.
I just didn’t want it to be Dan from Brooklyn, OK? Dan with the dad always making waffles for breakfast, Dan of the protective older brotherliness, Dan whose bookshelf was overflowing, Dan of the flannel shirts and corduroy pants.
And TV!Dan was always sooo much more likeable than mopey Book!Dan, who made dark coffee from instant mixes under hot tap water, whose favorite word was “death,” who wrote emo poetry, and who dated shaved-head Book!Vanessa. Anyway. I’m getting away from the point.
So you know what happens next, right?
Naturally, I’ve already started back at Season 1, Episode 1, because I have to sort out for myself whether it is really plausible that Dan is Gossip Girl. I mean, the show’s creators claim that they’ve always known who GG would be (GG is never unveiled in the books — trust me, I read them), it was just a matter of if it was right to actually unveil her true identity. Riiiight. This coming from the people who brought a character BACK FROM THE DEAD.
So I guess my little two-year stint with the fantasy world of the rich Upper East Side has come to an end. The fantasy has diminished a little, now that I live in the Upper East Side, and I haven’t spotted any real-life Serenas or Blairs (although I do see private school lacrosse players and teenage girls in plaid skirts here and there, hanging outside the UES Shake Shack and stuff).
I am grateful for the show as an easy form of escapism, into a world where anything can be bought without a second thought, where your enemies’ lives can be ruined with a simple email, and anybody can fall in love with anybody else (and do). I guess it indulges our deepest whims. And it definitely makes you fall in love with New York City, the infinite possibilities and the whole idea of it.
Also, it gives me an excuse to begin sentences with “SPOTTED” or end them with “XOXO, GOSSIP GIRL” when talking to my husband, who has a good humor about my more embarrassing traits, like my obsession with this teenage soap opera.
And can you blame me, really, if as I walk to Central Park for my usual Saturday stroll, I just ever-so-casually glance over the Met steps, just in case Serena and Blair are there, catching up, while sipping lattes or finishing off their yogurt lunches?